It's that time of year again. Millions of Britons put on their trainers and stretch sweat-stained polo-necks over flabby white bellies, then fall - exhausted - onto the couch in front of the TV, ready to cheer on anybody who says nice things about England. Therein lies a problem, for not all Brits are English, in case you hadn't noticed. And Wimbledon is so definitively English.

What are we to do? Well we could cheer for that Scottish chap, Murray. He has, sort of become a little less Scottish - more British, and that's almost English, isn't it? We'll pretend we didn't hear his 'Braveheart' speeches; after all he was just a boy, no doubt influenced by other famous Scots, like Mel Gibson.

But wait a minute - what's this I see on my screen? A junior player past the first round, who speaks with an English accent? She looks like a nice girl, smartly dressed, and appears so polite and well-mannered in interviews. She is reserved yet confident, polite yet with a mischievous twinkle in her eye.

What’s that, you say? She was born in one of the colonies? Surely that cannot be? How could one so well-brought up possibly be of *cough* Australian heritage? There must be some mistake … oh there is, she is only an Australian by birth. Phew! Well that obviously makes her British; English, no less, seeing as that’s where she has spent most of her life, including a spell in that nice English county, Singapore.

What does this tell us? Well, it confirms what I thought about most English people: that they would rather have anybody representing Britain at tennis than a Scot, or – God forbid – a Welshman. Take Greg the Canadian, for example. Please! Not that I lump Laura Robson in the same category. She is indeed a very English young lady, properly British, with not a hint of colony to taint the image.

There is a serious point to all this, in case you hadn’t noticed. Britain is in a state of turmoil, and on the verge of civil war. Ok, maybe civil is too strong a word. But the facts cannot be ignored: Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland all have their own governments, whereas England does not. What’s more, England has to suffer at the hands of all those Scots and Welsh who won’t allow us to rule them, but are more than happy to tell us what we can do.

Personally I’d rather have a German, or even – and forgive my language – a Frenchie in my Parliament than a Scot or Welshie. Which is one reason I won’t be voting for Mc Brown. At least that nice Tony Blair pretended to be English.

So I say this to you all: vote Laura!